she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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