I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
