U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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