I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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