the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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