her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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