The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
