My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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