Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
