so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
