when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
