Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Dear god my vagina.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
