I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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