I cannot find my penis.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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