Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
