This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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