watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
