Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
