Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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