i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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