He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
