i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
What drink are we having for lunch?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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