Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
