Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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