I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Randomize
