the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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