No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
