Screwed.edu
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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