i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
