Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
