We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
