and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
he quoted the bible to break up with me
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
