My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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