Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
