Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I don't deserve a penis
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
