we're chasing vodka with high fives
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
