i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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