After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
please don't ironically join a cult
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