Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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