the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
