end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
