i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
