I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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