of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
