i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm so fucking centered right now
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
