my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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