The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
