On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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