You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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