I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We named our party play list daddy issues
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
