The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
