I heard we made out
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
