Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
