I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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